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spectral		#101	[-]
Posts: 881 (01/23/09 00:32:10) Moderator Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Oh and for those of you who have no idea what Im referring to, I explain about this "alchemy" in a thread called "relatively irrelevant" in the Tales of Power section. Also, the "control matrix" I mentioned to Tiffany here """I reached this horrible place as the day wore on in which I felt that I must have been wrong in my expression, that I must have been coming from a purely egotistical stance all along and that I "needed to change tack" in order to "come into harmony" with myself. I started feeling that I was still way too accessible to myself and therefore must have been "in the wrong" in some extreme way. I ended up feeling that to become empty and thus "inaccessible to myself" in terms of the mind parasite then I would have to "be real" which meant coming from a different part of myself. Obviously, all this absurd manuvering was pure control shit but I didnt realise that at the time cause I was so horrified by the bombardment of egotistical fixation escalating in my mind. I felt that coming from a "deeper part of myself" would "humble me" appropriately and this brought me into a silent state that was sort of treance like and felt very good and relieving briefly before my attention slipped a fraction and before I knew it I was totally absorbed all over again in being lost to myself and in the shadows dream. When I realised this I felt confused and irritated briefly before realising that all of my insane manouvering was a BS matrix of control and that the only way to be true to myself was to stand up and face the egotistical mind parasite directly, no matter how irritating because there is no "other truth" I can possibly retreat to.""" was the same control that was being fostered by the mere existence of that alchemy. Also, "holding onto the imprint" like Gollum when I should have let go was the same imprint that plunged me into the shadows dream of late in a dangerous way. It was that same clinging which fucked up my ability to use the forum as my mind could constantly undermine everything I did so everything lost meaning and became bullshit. Because I couldnt let go because of the control agenda I had, I could not be direct enough in my application of awareness to catch the subtle source which would reveal the shadow underpinnings of a lot of what I was experiencing (as I mentioned yesterday on this thread). Writing the above post did not aggravate my mind, it seemed to bring up a strange sadness that would be very bad if it consumed me from within but it was not within so my heart expanded to its pressure and thus it was heart resolve and intent being activated towards a challenge instead of mind being activated. Blah! Im raving... Ciao!
chlorella		#102	[-]
Posts: 1354 (01/23/09 01:19:34) Administration Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	i get pissed off at Brian Eno i get pissed off at Lujan Matus i get pissed off don Juan i get pissed off at Franklin Merryll-Wolff i get pissed off at Gurdjieff i get pissed off at Richard Rose i get pissed off at Muktananda i get pissed off at Padma Sambhava i get pissed off at This Forum i get pissed off at my Unconscious i get pissed off at my Eyes i get pissed off at Dreaming i get pissed off at True i get pissed off at Right i get pissed off at Solid i get pissed of at Objects i get pissed off at Meaning i get pissed off at Understanding i get pissed off at Beauty i get pissed off at Precision i get pissed off at the Architect thank you All for taking my words before i could give them diametrically speaking archetypes
glance left		#103	[-]
Posts: 2620 (01/23/09 02:10:41) Administration Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	"Ok, when I read this, I feel its a blame on your moms' and really we have to take responsibility for our actions. You may say, "yes, I do take responsibility I was just identifying the source." Its the presentation though that reeks of justification that goes unanswered--I hear from you both fault finding without any responsibility taken. What you got from your mother and your father are strengths. But if you don't take responsibility and see this, then they remain your weaknesses and will be revealed in your manner of speaking about them. I've spoken of my father's temper, but you won't hear me say "I got my temper from my father". I take responsibility, so if I exhibit a temper, it is mine and mine only. His temper is his and his only." Tiffany, I disagree with this, in part. I agree in that the responsibility is entirely mine. There should be no blame, no. For blame is shirking responsibility. But I also know about something called "living in someone else's shadow"....as an inheritance. Lujan talked with me very specifically about this fact...and brought my attention to it not in order to levy blame....but in order to recognize the weaknesses that I've inherited in order to SURPASS them. He emphasized that of living in my father's shadow and encouraged me to engage an act that "surprised" him in this respect...an act that transcended this shadowy tendency. In investigating this...and looking more closely at all of these attributes that I see stemming from my parents, both weaknesses AND strengths (soooo many strengths), I saw my father's tendency of going with the flow, which, to a point, is one of his wonderful strengths....but then again it is a weakness in that there are times when he should ACT...and be buoyantly aggressive...to stand up and fight! I've noticed this tendency in me...and since I've been back here in Alabama, I've noticed how alike we truly are in this respect...and, more importantly, I've noticed that it is MY responsibility to transcend a kind of passiveness that lure both dad and me to a simmering slumber....like a frog in the pot. I can feel the lure of sleep...and, thus, take measures to jump up and "run"....shake myself into action. With respect to Lujan's charge of actively moving out of dad's shadow...of surpassing an inherited weakness, I didn't have to contrive that moment at all.....it came to me almost immediately after discussing it with Lujan...one of sooooo many synchronicities that have erupted around our discussions. I spoke about that event right here in the forum....when dad recommended that I not speak up about an act of malpractice involving a surgeon that I worked for because I was not there at this specific event even though I knew exactly what had transpired because I'd seen this surgeon behave like this before. His reason, in a nutshell, was one of complicity....that I might lose my job. My tendency, in the past, is that of "washing my hands" of other people's folly...and, unless pressed to do so or unless there was personal agenda and possibility of "market gains" from such an act, I would not speak up. This specific occasion gave me an opportunity to step out of my father's shadow...which had become MY shadow...in order to act on behalf of us both. There have been many occasions that have followed this motif...many of which I've brought to the forum here. I'm seeing a change in the way dad is interacting with me now. There is a look of respect from him....he is proud of me...in a way the seems to transcend the father son relationship. I agree with you. If there is any tone of "blame", even though I meant the quip before as a kind of synchronous interplay on Spectral's little joke, then that needs to be dealt with right here and now. I take full responsibility. But, in taking full responsibility, I need to take a close, clear look at the whole picture with regard to what I've inherited. I need to engage, with my full awareness, ALL of it...building upon those strengths in gratitude and honor...and putting the sword to those weaknesses...also in gratitude and honor.
glance left		#104	[-]
Posts: 2621 (01/23/09 02:15:56) Administration Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	"the mental fixation capacity is limitless and so my mind was able to corrupt itself" Don't I know it, brother!
spectral		#105	[-]
Posts: 882 (01/23/09 04:15:47) Moderator Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Something just hit me. I was just on my way to bed when I felt a subtle wave of nausea that made me wonder what was happening. Then there was a sudden energetic jolt sort of like being punched in the stomach. The shift was noticeable and I had to sit down. I saw that the strange feeling seemed to be a being of some kind which had jolted me. The feeling of its presence was sort of like being dragged down from within - the undermining absorption of the shadows dream. My instinctive reaction was like "bah this is BS, fuck this" and snap myself back out of it. I then noticed a few things simultaneously. One was that the "being" which had "hit" me was something I had experienced before in very specific circumstances and both of those were at times when Tiffany had confronted me and so I had felt the effect of those confrontations as something insidious and undermining which is why I hated those situations. Another thing I noticed was that somehow I had been transported on a bodily level back into the text of a post I had made (not the one before this but the one before that one) and a certain aspect of the text had been prominent somehow. What I also realised in that moment was that this malevolent, undermining "being" which "attacked me" was actually an aspect of my own shadow attention being reflected back to me. I have no idea how it could be reflected or by what but my body knew. Next I realised another two things simultaneously... Oh wait I think Im taking this whole "being transparent" thing way too literally by having to explain in great detail the actual "how" of my realisations when that actually may be taking away from the truth itself and I may be seen as sort of indirectly hiding behind the description of the realisation instead of being behind the truth itself. So okay, here is the corruption: The following excerpts are from the previous post in question and in this post Iam discussing my own battle with shadow attention and the process I went through. In each of these sections I have branched off to include my relatively vague (and unfixed) assumptions about this phenomena occurring in a similar way for most people. It is true that this is certainly my general impression and Im not fixed on that but the corruption lies in the fact that I brought it up in this way in that particular post. It was not a post driven by my observations of human evolution, it was only driven by observations of my own shadow side. For me to sneak these other branches of realisation into that post was a manipulative undermining tactic which is insidious. Its sort of like gossiping in that the shadow wishes to assassinate and undermine so that natural connectedness is torn. You see, I gather attention upon the subject of my own shadow which is something that is disturbing and wrong when uncovered, then I go on to INCLUDE the sense of "everybody" in that attention which I have delineated. What I would say about myself and the undermining therein, I go on to impose that undermining upon the universal as well and that is a fucked up technique which seeks to bring down and waylay and this may affect the reader, especially if unnoticed. """This is very dangerous and corruptible, it is the old sorcerers method and yet I could not let go and even though I was extremely careful, just the mere fact that I "possessed" that so called "knowledge" was the most insidious danger of all. We all do this though, as Gollum does, we cling to our imprints as something of value and through this process we learn and yet that learning can never really be applied until we relinquish that imprint and thi9s is what you guys have helped me to do. I realised that this was the goal of the entire alchemical struggle and that all I had succeeded in doing was to validate in my own bizarre way, the process of resolving core imprints through the magical natural facility of adaptation. We all go through this process in the same way to reach a realisation of the same fluidity and so the alchemy was nothing but my own bizarre way of doing this, and once its done we are free. It was "my fate" and yet it was completely self imposed at the same time. To what extent it was "necessary" I may never know because the shadow is shit and yet we need it to learn and yet we cant always release it at exactly the most graceful time, we often need a struggle, Golum style""" Nothing in these three excerpts is not "my truth" and yet it is the juxtaposition of dissonant inclusion which reveals an agenda of vying for dominance and control purely by undermining everything possible while masquerading as truth. The truth itself can be the most dangerous lie. Its not enough to be "accurate" or "right", its about where one is coming from and what is subtly implied through that. Tiff, I wasnt sure when you confronted me whether this phenomena was my own shadow reflected or a projection of your shadow towards bringing me down. I realised after a while (only recently) that it was the former. It was suspicious to me because when I was holding on to the imprint my attention was much more constricted in that area so I didnt have the multiple perspective I had tonight and also it only happened with you and not in any other situations so it was difficult to trust you as I should have been able to instead of clinging my way into a linear perspective which could not understand that the undermining insidious feeling was my own intent returning to me in that instance. I know in a lot of cases like this its not so simple in terms of whos intent is what etc but this is clear cut - it was me. Now I see that for absolutely sure because the exact same phenomena happened without your involvement - I Genghised myself :-)
yillecka.sorcery		#106	[-]
Posts: 117 (01/23/09 04:50:30) Administration The Lovely Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	I feel my thoughts, like they are me But is it me? I feel my mind, like it is me But is it me? I feel my feelings, like it is me But is it me? I feel a gap, tiny, a moment a well, a space, I hardly see I wonder, this feeling, no feeling perceiving Could it be?
yillecka.sorcery		#107	[-]
Posts: 118 (01/23/09 04:56:08) Administration The Lovely Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Spectral Sometimes I don't understand you, you are so eloquent, so magical ..... but tonight, when you spoke, I heard you, I heard your joyous child within, unafraid and unprotected You played hide and seek, so joyously thank you. It was the third time today I heard the phrase 'practical joke' Ain't it funny? I'll be away for 8 days - lots o love LOL!!!
lucky		#108	[-]
Posts: 53 (01/23/09 15:17:18) Administration Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	chlorella wrote: i get pissed off at Brian Eno ... why chris
Jaguar Nagual	Carlos Castaneda, Florinda Donner-Grau	#109	[-]
Posts: 453 (01/23/09 15:51:21) Lujan Matus Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	I stay and fight what I'm faced with which is subduing me. Because, why prolong what shouldn't be there in the first place? Why enable the shadow's dream, which sucks the life out of us if we enable it to, to persist any longer by protecting it? I see my warrior friends sheltering this shadow, and it is to their detriment. It's like sheltering a criminal, and I come knocking on your door. You answer smiling friendly, and behind you is the criminal glaring at me maliciously with a knife they are about to put in your back, but I can't say anything to you because you are the one who allowed them in and so when I tell you you are being unwise in giving them quarter, you fight me rather then turn to see what truly faces you. tiff "The Active Side of Infinity, "The Clear View" The nagual Carlos Castaneda, Florinda Donner-Grau and two apprentices were at a local eatery having lunch. A romantic song, a ranchera was playing in the background and Carlos Castaneda, smiling, said: "Great omen! Let's talk about love. That's what all of us want, isn't it? We want luuuuuuve." The apprentices giggled, and squirmed in their chairs. "C'mon put it on the table," the nagual continued. "You'll never be free if you don't. But first we have to know what our story is. We want to be free to feel what true love is, affection without investment." He turned to the young woman. "You've been recapitulating a great deal. What do you think is your story?" "Well, I did all I could to try to please men, so they would love me. My mother did the same. One example was with one man, I did everything for him. I cooked for him, I did all the housecleaning, "I tried to please him sexually," she said in a whisper to Florinda, then she raised her voice again. "I even paid some of his bills. And he left anyway..." "That happened to me," interrupted the young man. "Really?" the nagual said. "Tell us." "Well, there was this woman; I realize now that we were really made for each other...I really loved her. I even showed my feelings to her; and it was not enough. She left me! I couldn't believe it." "Why did she leave?" the nagual asked, eyes sparkling. "I don't really know...she never"- Just then, there was a shattering sound behind the young man, the sound of glass breaking at a nearby table, and a woman's voice: "You've got to be kidding! You've got another woman and you expect me to stay with you? When were you gonna tell me?" The man who was sitting at the table with her responded defensively, "Look, you've got to understand, I didn't tell you because I was thinking of you, I just wanted to protect you." Suddenly the woman realized the whole restaurant was looking, and rushed out crying. The two apprentices were open-mouthed. Florinda's eyes were beaming. "Whoa," the nagual said quietly, as the people in the restaurant tried to resume their lunches. "Fighting to defend our secrets. Whoo,"-he said, giving a shiver. "So," he said, returning his attention to the young male apprentice, "is there anything you are leaving out of your story?" "Well, I had other women, but my girlfriend didn't need to know that! "Hunh!" the nagual grunted. "And you call that love?" The young man seemed not to hear. "My father did the same, and my grandfather before him! And my mother and grandmother seemed to accept it. It runs in the family! Anyway, nagual, isn't that what freedom is about? Getting past the noxious aspects of socialization, not being tied down?" "Ay, you're very clever, caballero," the nagual said. "Clever for yourself. Yes, freedom is getting past the noxious aspects of socialization, like hiding, or trying to manipulate other people, or assuming you're entitled to get out of certain responsibilities because of your gender; if you perceive energy directly, which is what don Juan said that freedom is, it will lead you to perceive and participate in the evolutionary aspects of socialization, such as cultivating a finely tuned awareness of your impact on others." "How could freedom be self-serving?" he continued. "That's slavery-a nightmare. Freedom is freedom from judgment, freedom from our socialized expectations, not freedom from responsibilities; in fact, I'm sorry to tell you, freedom brings new responsibilities-you are more aware, therefore you cannot hide from what you know-and integrity requires you to act on that new knowledge. A warrior-traveler is willing to put his life on the line to act and communicate in a way that honors the Spirit-in himself and in others." "What you were doing," he continued, "is not freedom; it's imitating the worst aspects of your lineage, such as keeping secrets to further your own agenda. And it's not just men doing this; they find women who like to go along with this, even support it, true Florinda?" "True!" Florinda said. "Women who cater to men who don't want to commit, making excuses for them, settling for a few crumbs of affection, because they feel unworthy of real affection-like in your story, true?" she said to the young woman. "True," she replied. "Or women who expect the man to take care of them," Florinda continued, "because they think they're not capable of doing that themselves-and then they want to blame the man for not making them happy! Or we have women who are trying to act like men, making conquests. Or trying to steal someone else's man. And in all these cases, they are giving their power away to men, and fighting to defend their right to do so!" "Does any of this sound like freedom to you?" the nagual asked. "No it doesn't," the apprentices mumbled. "Freedom is our birthright," the nagual continued, "and yet it has to be earned, by polishing our links with our lineage, so that we can embody and evolve its excellent parts. As it is, you're trapped in the fixed assemblage point of the human form: the glossed-over parts of your inheritance." "Don Juan told me that if we want to get out of this fixation, we have to stop wasting the best energy we have, energy from here," the nagual said, making a sweeping gesture that indicated the area below his navel all the way down to his feet. "The lower disks! We use this energy to hide, to seek comfort, to struggle for power, or to feel overpowered-whatever is familiar, whatever makes us feel certain, or secure-and above all, whatever keeps us from questioning our acts." He paused and looked at the apprentices intently. "Don Juan said that a thorough recapitulation of our stories related to the area of the lower disks can free us from the human form, and lead us instead to embody human possibility-the sublime essence of our lineage, of human beings," he continued. "It can bring us the energy and the awareness to ask, without judging anybody: 'Am I living the dream, or the nightmare, of my lineage? Am I nightmaring alone? Or am I dreaming with it-with infinity, with the Spirit.'"
nagual		#110	[-]
Posts: 1 (01/23/09 17:00:22) Lujan Matus ~Founder~ Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	This sounds like the voice of a true nagual. Carlos Castaneda was rarely seen to speak like this.
Tiffany		#111	[-]
Posts: 2600 (01/23/09 18:10:05) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	"Tiff, I wasnt sure when you confronted me whether this phenomena was my own shadow reflected or a projection of your shadow towards bringing me down. I realised after a while (only recently) that it was the former. It was suspicious to me because when I was holding on to the imprint my attention was much more constricted in that area so I didnt have the multiple perspective I had tonight and also it only happened with you and not in any other situations so it was difficult to trust you as I should have been able to instead of clinging my way into a linear perspective which could not understand that the undermining insidious feeling was my own intent returning to me in that instance. I know in a lot of cases like this its not so simple in terms of whos intent is what etc but this is clear cut - it was me. Now I see that for absolutely sure because the exact same phenomena happened without your involvement - I Genghised myself :-)" Spectral, Beautiful gesture, thanks After I confront on the forum, I turn off/stop any dialog that may arise throughout the day. It is my wish as strongly as it is everyone's here, to be free of the shadow's dream and to not interfere with fellow warriors who are battling as I am. If someone has suspicions I am interfering with them, know that I am not. What makes us all equal is that we are all challenged by the same thing, so for me to engage in interference would be energetically wounding to myself. My feeling is that when a warrior gets to a certain level, they get harsh blows when they only slightly step outside of their integrity in comparision to when younger and were able to act outside of integrity without instant repercussions. Now, if I act out of my integrity even subtly, I feel it strongly. This is really a blessing, to have this narrow margin or error heightens sensitivity to what is occuring and the harsh blows of the abstract make one not want to be outside their integrity. Those of you in management will recall I made a little joke to Lujan a few weeks back, that I later came and said was a form of interference on my part, and some of you were surprised that there could be interference in a seemingly innocent gesture. That is because I felt an internal blow after I made the post, and so I knew my actions were inappropriate, and so I reflected upon it, retraced my steps and I then located the interference, with Lujan's help through his non-participation in what was occurring which further indicated to me it was my issue to take responsibility for. Trust yourself ... you've got nothing to lose
Tiffany		#112	[-]
Posts: 2601 (01/23/09 18:27:04) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	"freedom brings new responsibilities-you are more aware, therefore you cannot hide from what you know-and integrity requires you to act on that new knowledge." Carlos Castaneda "My feeling is that when a warrior gets to a certain level, they get harsh blows when they only slightly step outside of their integrity in comparision to when younger and were able to act outside of integrity without instant repercussions." Tiffany Trust yourself ... you've got nothing to lose
glance left		#113	[-]
Posts: 2625 (01/23/09 18:29:21) Administration Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	I felt it was important to show this side of Carlos Castaneda....and the synchronicity of this arriving suddenly in my mailbox and it lining up with what has been transpiring here in this thread...AND with the hiding what I've been doing and am doing (you think you're "disturbed" by what you've seen in my posts, Spectral? I'm disturbed even more)...I knew it was a propitious to put it forth now. I believe that the discrepancies in what Tiffany has seen in Carlos and what I've seen in him (those "true nagual" moments) is part of an interplay that I'm seeing in my struggle right now. I cannot describe the turmoil I'm experiencing at this point in my path....the alternating brooding "concern" and cerebral preoccupation that seems to project suspicion and glowering resentment toward those here...and then the skies clear and I find my heart again..."the clear view". Frequently, when I find my heart I see a bright image of the sun behind closed eyes, blazing just like I'm looking at it directly...except it doesn't hurt my "eyes"! I've never experienced the back-and-forth like I'm experiencing now. Something is quite pissed off (you put it just right, Chlorella) and it's really squirming. I can FEEL it ruminating.....LOL! The feeling behind the word "ruminating" is almost exactly that of an image of a slithering, writhing snake....coiling and recoiling back upon itself, going nowhere.
glance left		#114	[-]
Posts: 2626 (01/23/09 18:36:57) Administration Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	"My feeling is that when a warrior gets to a certain level, they get harsh blows when they only slightly step outside of their integrity in comparision to when younger and were able to act outside of integrity without instant repercussions." Tiffany Bingo
glance left		#115	[-]
Posts: 2627 (01/23/09 18:39:51) Administration Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	"If someone has suspicions I am interfering with them, know that I am not." And again, I say, Bingo. There's the confirmation. Tiffany, my suspicions of you are in the mind. They stop when I arrive in the heart. When I'm within my chest, I see you for what you are.
Tiffany		#116	[-]
Posts: 2602 (01/23/09 18:44:43) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	"I believe that the discrepancies in what Tiffany has seen in Carlos and what I've seen in him (those "true nagual" moments) is part of an interplay that I'm seeing in my struggle right now." Glance, I was not surprised to see another side of Carlos, because I have not formed any conclusions about him, and for a very long time now have been responding only on what I see him present. I feel you feel, Glance, that you have to clear his reputation for me, but this is not the case, because I am not concerned with reputations. If I like what he says, I'll say so, if I don't like what he says, I'll say so. He really has no reputation for me. He is neither despised nor exalted within my own perception of him. What I feel from you lately Glance, is so much analyzing of the minutest detail of what is occurring, and the result of the analysis's made reveal to me that your conclusions are not accurate, at least your conclusions about me and what I'm perceiving. Like, what you wrote in post 103 here, it really has nothing to do with what I was saying about taking responsibility, yet it is your response to me. And in your response, I see you are really talking to yourself and your answer is your perceived idea of what you think I said, and what it represents in comparison to you. Trust yourself ... you've got nothing to lose Last Edited By: Tiffany 01/23/09 20:43:27. Edited 1 times.
spectral		#117	[-]
Posts: 883 (01/23/09 19:47:13) Moderator Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Hi Glance. Yillecka, """Sometimes I don't understand you, you are so eloquent, so magical ..... but tonight, when you spoke, I heard you, I heard your joyous child within, unafraid and unprotected You played hide and seek, so joyously thank you.""" Thank you that is the most rewarding confirmation for me. I feel that if Im understood straight from heart to heart then I have succeeded. If you dont understand me sometimes, then it may be that Iam manipulating subtly and thus hiding myself. You see, Im very vain on a deep level and this is not always ugly, it can be transcended through the clear heart. But because of that vanity I have a bad habit of running all the way with anything I may pick up, including subtly nasty things because I want to exaggerate everything to amplify myself. So there is nothing to lose in speaking up if you dont understand because it would probably help me to re evaluate my way of communicating... either that or I may be able to shed a little more light in helping others to understand the communication as well. Have a good time away!
Tiffany		#118	[-]
Posts: 2604 (01/23/09 20:03:51) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	"There is a collective aspect that facilitates transformation through the application of pressure that will enact change." This can also be said this way: "The time has arrived in which agendas will bear harsh blows to those who possess them, due to the collective eyes who clearly see them occurring." We have talked about pressures in terms of the compromises collectively pressured upon one to comply with. There is another pressure that is the pressure of the nagual to drop these compromises. This is our inevitability. One can maneuver as they cleverly think of, but when time is up, its up. I'm reminded of in Journey to Ixtlan. Carlos was instructed to kill the rabbit that fell into his trap. He didn't want to do it. Juan Matus asserted that it was the only choice he had. Carlos still hesitated, became angry, and while trying to rescue the rabbit from the cage, managed to accidentally collapse the cage and he pulled the rabbit out and saw it hanging limply because it was dead. Juan Matus simply informed him that the rabbits time was up. Trust yourself ... you've got nothing to lose
spectral		#119	[-]
Posts: 884 (01/23/09 20:30:34) Moderator Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	One of the strangest things I have learned from all of this is that it isnt really my choice to be here participating and communicating. Certainly it is my intent, but it is not an intent I can consciously control because it is the path of my heart - the life path and there is no other that exists for me. It is a thin line that a warrior walks and to deviate from that is ultimately weakening and one would no longer be a warrior at all... there is no way to BE a warrior, one is never anything but the path they follow in life. And its the strangest contradiction in that we choose and yet we dont choose what we choose - we only choose whether to accept or resist the line of our true path. I wanted to believe that the path would follow me, that I could "learn" and then "move on" to whatever else, but the learning is only applicable to the path which gives that lesson so what is learned from the heart path only operates whithin that path. In a deviated path or resistance (shadows dream) the knowledge dies and remains dormant and useless until that thin line is re engaged. For a time I was living in an extremely expansive and magical area and my friends were also extremely expansive and magical so it was the easiest thing in the world for the forum and my participation in it to merge seamlessly with my life in the construct. But now, I live in a much densewr area and I dont know anyone who is as clear as my friends where I used to live and so now it is much more challenging to integrate the forum into my life enerrgetically, or in terms of intent. In a way I was spoiled rotten by the totally ideal situation that I was living in for a couple of years, although it wasnt ideal at all in other ways, as far as "living the forum" goes it was perfect for me. This situation sort of created the illusion that the path with my true purpose was something that surrounded me rather than something I was applying myself to. So the shift into this new denser energetic environment caused my mind to become able to sabotage what I was doing on the forum because it wasnt integrating into my daily life so effortlessly anymore. This made me start to wonder where my heart path had gone. I was having doubts about what was I REALLY doing and where was my path really? So as soon as the path became difficult, I started believing it was the wrong path because it had always previously been governed by extreme effortlessness. And so I was sort of spoilt by that. There have been thousands of times when I have felt compromised or oppressed and crushed and been wondering what was going wrong and then I would ponder and then think of something that I could decide to do or not do and then instantly my heart was back in action and so I would think "oh wow, now Im realising what is really my path, this feels much better" and off I would go. But this kept on happening more and more until every time something was feeling wrong and I seemed to be not fully in my heart then I would quickly be searching for some decision to make or some adjustment to employ or some perspective to adopt so that I could continue on in my heart. But after a few years, this process began to run out of time and it became increasingly more chaotic as every "adjustment" decision I made would then require re adjustment more and more frequently until no matter what I did or tried or thought, there was always something crushing my heart. This was the time to change direction and relinquish the need to make adjustments and do the opposite, which is to stand firm and defend my truth from what was crushing me by fighting back instead of adjusting my way out of it. I didnt realise this though, so I naturally thought that I was losing my heart and that I therefore must be way off track in terms of finding the right path and this was because I was so accustomed to my total effortlessness and success in manuvering out of any interference that I associated those qualities with my heart path itself - I thought they were the natural characteristics of my true path and that is because they were for a long time and that process was very effective at the time it was happening. But times had changed and my effortless manuvering had become an imprint defending control and manipulation, even though my intent had not really changed, the circumstances of my life path itself had changed and that crucial adaption which was to "stand my ground" instead of shifting myself was blocked out by the insistent identification with effortlessness and its positive life affirming effects that I grew through for so long. If I had not been so covertly possessive of the shadow aspect of the manuvering (which was manipulative control) then the shift into a new phase would have happened smoothly at the right time, but instead I held on tight like Gollum until something had played itself out completely and that is the lesson for me which brings me back to the recognition of my own path but now I dont have the illusion that I can control that thin line or choose its course in any way and that is actually the most liberating thing ever!! There is truly no socially constructed "reason" for doing what Im doing in life and this is a little difficult when people ask you questions... I could say "I like doing it" or "it just happens" or "its doing me good" or "Im learning from it" or whatever, but it never feels honest to say that because truly I dont know why I do what I do, its just my fate to pursue my own fate, and thats great!
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Posts: 2628 (01/23/09 21:24:08) Administration Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Xup, Spec' LOL! Tiffany, what you see is true. And I can't believe I'm saying it, while feeling as liberated as I do. But, in the midst of this whole thread, I've seen something utterly (ha! there's that word again) incredible: a profound split in the self. In one moment, what you said hurts...something feels threatened and wants to indulge in all kinds of sophisticated reason in order to wear you down and....or wants to simply agree with you in order to get your focus away from me as quickly as possible...even if it means cowering until you leave me alone. In the next moment, I become aware on some level of what's going on and resort to the only maneuver that I know that seems to solve this kind of preoccupation...dropping my awareness down into my chest and keeping it there. If I can hold onto this for just a few moments, something is pried loose and let's go...and whatever it is that was hurt and wants to retaliate is pushed into the periphery. I can see it as if through a transparent barrier within a calm cocoon. And nothing hurts....it's over there and it's not me. I'm not identified with it, so I can call it for what it is. And I can admit that, yes, I indulged in all kinds of nastiness in order to get the upper hand here in this forum...because "I'm smarter" "Tiffany's a bitch....an arrogant monster" "she's needs to be cut down to size...and I'll help her with that" About Carlos Castaneda, the post was brought by the Spirit...the synchronicity can't be denied. Lujan brought it here to this thread for that purpose, whatever it is. But my agenda rode shotgun. Yep, I wanted to prove you wrong....was certain that you still thought...still concluded that Carlos "is an asshole" and "isn't a nagual" and all that other stuff because I couldn't imagine that you don't do the same thing that I do...namely draw conclusions about people and sustain it as a judgment with the need to seek confederates to support that judgment. I've seen myself do it and was convinced....needed for you to do it to so that I could feel, at least for a little while longer, that it was o.k. that I still compromised myself in this way. My mind is seeking support...looking for a corner to curl up and nest in hoping that no one notices....hoping for a little more time. Time's up! Richard, you were right too...excessive sophistication is it's hallmark...pulling files...making closing arguments....i.e. making cases with enough rhetoric to hopefully be convincing. Here's the lie, everyone. The lie is that you will not be able to stand it...to have "it" exposed and stretched out and cut off cleanly. That it will be painful and protracted and humiliating beyond what you can stand. From my experience, this only happens when..in that moment that the blade is whistling through the air, we cringe and try to withdraw...to pull it back and protect it. It's bullshit! When I stretch the neck out and give room for the clean cut, the liberation is immediate and profound. This shit works! I don't think I'll ever leave. I will stay...and have that thing exposed again and again until I find and abide in that calm empty center. Let 'er rip.

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