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WOW!!! This is completely spot on! Its like a dam wall is opened and I could not contain the laughter. Fuck! Lujan I can scarceley believe that you have been waiting for this and yet of course! Its so obvious! I have also been waiting for this and it feels like so fucking long I have needed it and yet Im utterly astounded at how totally perfect the timing is. The direction of everyones attention focusing in on me in this way is like acupuncture needles hitting exactly the perfect points for some stagnation which has been weighing me down forever. That analogy fits so clearly thats its almost enough to inspire me to learn acupuncture and do it to myself. Why could I not? Its because I fucking cared what other people thought of me even though I was in total denial of thjat and actually conveniently felt a nihilistic lack of caring which I was unable to register as shadow attention. Fuck, and that shit has been literally RUNNING me on a level and I called it "an upheaval".. "a transition" when really I just wouldnt admit to myself that I gave a shit what others thought of my cheesy fucked up "status" that never existed. The proof of that illusion is that when I felt "the attention being focused toward hitting me like accupuncture needles" it was a lie because it was only my idea of other peoples idea of me that was being shifted. The actual attention of others as they read it to themselves did not do this as far as I know.

Lujan I realise that its absolutely essential for me to be as transparent as possible and I was compromising on this level through the denial that was protecting the COMPLETELY ILLUSORY vulnerability which was actually a shadow device designed to hide me from my arrogance in "maintaining appearances" while believing that I actually wasnt because "I dont care" - which was the shadow of detachment... I fucking DO care, and thats the truth and only way for me. The feeling is the same as (similar) as when you confronted me by phone a few years ago, and as last time I resolve NEVER to let this slip, no way! But I guess there are always more shadowy thresholds to cross, or until a certain point perhaps.

Now my shoelaces are tied, back to the action of transparency: Glance my brother, its fine that you found some enhancement in whatever I wrote before, but Im finding it a little disturbing that you choose THIS particular thread to bring up your insights that were shared with me... Its like you yourself are subtly defending my covert agenda of caring what others would think of me, and thats a little strange. I suppose it corresponds to something in you, the same or similar "threshold" perhaps, but thats your biz yo.

Two Liz, I like your post and feel very close to you but it also disturbed me slightly that you as well as Glance were slightly self piteous in comparison to the lovely ruthlessness that went down in this thread. I want to tell you to put your ponderings aside. And best of luck in Bali!

I hid from that other thread because I was being controlled by shadow and I knew it was shadow coming through me towards that thread but I did not admit to myself that it was directing me from within. This shadow is a real sneaky fuck - my shadow attention actually knew exactly what was to be confronted and what was to take place BEFORE it actually happened, so "conveniently" (haha) I experienced an extremely strong body awareness telling me to avoid the forum and not get into a confrontation that I knew was happening, even though I did not look at the thread at all after my last post for two months. (It would have been only one but at the moment when I started having feelings that I actually did need to communicate I was already away on holiday away from the internet - sneaky shadow agenda fucker!)

I justified this hiding by the obvious realisation that my response to the thread was shadowy and so I had nothing truthful to say at that point and the forum "deserves truth and not bullshit" from me. And this was the saddest and weakest part on my behalf because it made me see shadow reflected in others when it wasnt really there and so I was simultaneously "seeing shadow and retreating" and also "having only pointless bullshit as a response anyway". If I had not falsely "listened to body" and had actually just returned to the thread I would have seen that Lujan had responded to me and my knowing of his integrity would have made me respond and my response would have been corrupt and a confrontation with my resistance would probably have taken place. Embarrassingly, this reveals my elitist prejudice in knowing I believed in Lujan but in doubting Tiffany (who was the only person who had responded at the time).

There is this weird argument which could be made about "Oh maybe it wasnt actually the shadow which told my body to withdraw from the thread. Maybe it just wasnt the right time and the right time is actually now." Its wrong because it does not take into account the limitless adaptability behind everything that transpires. Its messed up because it is NEVER right to back down from confrontation (at least as far as I can feel right now). And the proof is that my lack of integrity really did fuck me up big time and in a dangerous and possessive way which is damaging and unnecessary. The proof of the damage it did was that two months later, when I finally went back to the thread and saw the confrontations I had let myself feel so separated from those here who I respect so much that I still believed there was nothing to say. That was the other sad and weak moment of time for this because I had become trapped in separation. "An upheaval", LOL, a piece of shit!

I was shocked at that point to recognise that as I read the thread I was literally reading through the exact emotions which I had been through while hiding (or that was what the shadow mind was organising for me to experience anyway.) Every perspective of every person who contributed corresponded precisely to the inner emotional attitudes I had been going through. It was as if the shadow had not only known the confrontation was at hand, it had also known the input of the thread and adapted itself to confirm my nihilistic separation by suggesting that everyone who meant something to me was just a reflection of something painful and disturbing. Im sure it was complete bull... I think false Lujan was like the false spark of false fear that ignited "my body" to withdraw falsely and I think false Glance was the false anger that was in me and I cant remember the rest but I was certainly shocked and disgusted by the perspective that I was in when that happened and then instead of saying "Right! Im gonna fix this shit up on my own two feet no matter what that means!" as I should have at the beginning, I said "the forum is giving me weird reflections that I dont like and it doesnt seem like a healthy direction to pursue" and in that I betrayed myself and all of you and the respect that I really feel.

Allow me to clarify, it wasnt an isolated incident, this weird "experiencing emotionally the perspectives on the threads that were happening even without reading them at all". This weird phenomena has been happening constantly for months and I have been watching it but not realising till now it is pure shadow!!! It is a fucking weird and psychicly sneaky way of causing me to covertly personalise and emotionalise the content and interactions of the forum and this is a huge sabotage when trying to interact and this is a subtle sabotage I have been giving myself somehow... and I feel SABOTAGE is very much the key word in dealing with the shadowy subtleties I have been weaving, and so I must have been giving that sabotage to others in order to be giving it to myself because this level of subtlety is completely interconnective.

I never hid from this thread, only that other one. This is the first time I have looked at it since I posted. I logged on this morning for two minutes to check the forum management thread but had to go to work immediately. I posted my reply to that thread as soon as I walked in the door after work and then came to this thread to post another "experience" of my "philosophy" which Im still unsure about and then I found all this and laughed my ass off in relief :-)

All this time over months now the nihilistic feeling of completely not caring if I live or die has actually been nothing but a shadow and I thought it was some kind of progress or upheaval or new development. Fuck, its so obvious because it fits the bill of the shadow of intelligence so perfectly. It was a phenomena that seems to occur from nowhere and has no tangible dissonance, thereforer it seems like a true natural element in ones heart path, but then one subtly notices that its presence somehow implies interpersonal separation on a heart level, even if that separation is not DIRECTLY corresponded to the suspicious element - its indirect. Thats the shadow to a T! The dangerous and disturbing part is that I failed to recognise that absolutely obvious manifestation. Fat lot of good my meticulous definition of the typical warning signs when I cant even recognise it when it bashes down my door! What a joke! LOL, I did notice all of that but failed to put it together because it was indirect... (I just realised that the more direct ones intent is, the more direct the correlation between the subtle shadow effect and its separating effect - and this makes my little "explanation" of the completely redundant! Because it will become more and more obvious...)

I thought that the strange silent nihilism was actually the "emptiness" that we have been talking about because that feeling is exactly what the word "emptiness" conjoured up for me, but its only recently (as in this week) that I have realised what emptiness truly is for me, even though I have only glimpsed it a few times. I remember at first I didnt correlate "emptiness" to the nihilism and at that point I did see the nihilism as shadow and so I got riled up in an arrogant way and contested Tiffanys introduction of the use of the concept of emptiness. This was when Tiffany confronted me on being elitist and I admitted it and saw it but I think something must have been very fucked up because admitting it actually increased the shadowy feeling of "emptiness" (nihilism) and I didnt recognise it as the hidden self pity which it really was. Instead I thought "Oh wow, Tiffany is right and I couldnt see it." "It must be true what she says about her emptiness being a greater level of clarity". And so I swallowed the shit that was haunting me and that was where I went wrong. I dont exactly know how that happened but Im sure its safe to say it was my elitism only pretending to be confronted so that it could actually trick me more. I was comparing that confrontation to Lujans and it seemed somehow not deep enough but I thought maybe that was just Tiffanys style which felt different but really I think it was that I was too arrogant to respect Tiffany sincerely and that was the real crux of it.

Its strange to realise that the forum is indeed my path with heart and it really is not a choice because of that. I have to be here, and that means I have to be here as fully as possible, otherwise I will be accessible in ways that are more dangerous than I care to experience again. ((Im not sure if that extreme danger exists for just me or not... I guess its just about learning to recognise what truly is the path with heart and thus erasing doubt.)) This is a heavy commitment in a way, but also a joy, like "coming home" sorta. Its also true that I do have very little time at this time of year and often very exhausted from work. I believe that if my intent is focused on unconditional transparency within the forum then it will never be draining. I think it would be timely of me to begin a thorough revealing of all the dirt I can possibly find on myself, LOL, I absolutely have no resistance to that. It was a complete illusion that I was ever vulnerable so fuck it. It would be far better for me to over state my shortcomings and then possibly redeem myself later, LOL. Lujan, Tiffany and everyone thanks for kicking me at exactly the right moment. What a joy!!!

Oh and if anyone can find anything else that needs answering or confronting, lets get to work! If not, case closed. I dont care what anyone thinks of me.

Fuck! I forgot about the experiment! All that happened was I realised something else to post just to maximise transparency... I felt that it maybe would have been a much juicier nugget of deconstruction if I had had the balls to step out of my shadow agreement and look at that thread I hid from. Cause then I would have replied to Lujan and it would have been pure shit and so more confronting would have happened and I would have been resisting like a motherfucker cause its not a free and graceful timing like it is now and so I would possibly have recieved the lesson in a much "uglier" way and that would have been better perhaps for my damned obsession with not "looking bad". Hiding is a much less blatant way of "looking bad" but Im realising how dangerous it is and Im grateful that people are not fooled! But in all this speculating Im also forced to admit that its possible that it would have been dangerous the ugly way as well because maybe the energy of confrontation itself could be sneakily compartmentalised and eventually become something else that would need the same treatment. I clearly feel that the second option is far less dangerous (if at all). Also perhaps if Lujan was doin the confronting this would not happen.

Also, when I came back to post the above I felt that same weird little gut reaction of fear that I would be "exposed" even though I was. The self sabotage is so insidious s sss s s!!!! I really am a power hungry maniac, I take after my mum.

Okay experiment take two. This post feels more clunky and superficial than before, so... "click"

Tiffany, aha! Yes. To be frank I mentioned the mother thing completely as a joke, laughing to myself as the words came out but your response is sobering. I needed that answer and it relatres to my "experiment". Here is what I mean:

Today I was specifically being aware of the residual energy of having expressed my truth the night before as I had sensed that as a source of sabotage and sure enough all hell broke loose in my mind. The more I was aware of the tendency to subtly revert my spoken truths into past reflections, the more my mind and dialogue became activated, zeroing in more and more obsessively. It was excruciating and certainly I realised that something is seriously out of whack. The mere fact that I had expressed myself was causing my mind to go ballistic in trying to corrupt that expression in retrospect.

I reached this horrible place as the day wore on in which I felt that I must have been wrong in my expression, that I must have been coming from a purely egotistical stance all along and that I "needed to change tack" in order to "come into harmony" with myself. I started feeling that I was still way too accessible to myself and therefore must have been "in the wrong" in some extreme way. I ended up feeling that to become empty and thus "inaccessible to myself" in terms of the mind parasite then I would have to "be real" which meant coming from a different part of myself. Obviously, all this absurd manuvering was pure control shit but I didnt realise that at the time cause I was so horrified by the bombardment of egotistical fixation escalating in my mind.

I felt that coming from a "deeper part of myself" would "humble me" appropriately and this brought me into a silent state that was sort of treance like and felt very good and relieving briefly before my attention slipped a fraction and before I knew it I was totally absorbed all over again in being lost to myself and in the shadows dream. When I realised this I felt confused and irritated briefly before realising that all of my insane manouvering was a BS matrix of control and that the only way to be true to myself was to stand up and face the egotistical mind parasite directly, no matter how irritating because there is no "other truth" I can possibly retreat to.

When you mentioned my mother thing just now it all clicked and it was that aspect (the mother imprint) which I had not taken responsibility for last night and that was the way I fell prey to the matrix of control. A few moments after I began this post my mother came home and I noticed that my intent towards her was very different and much more clear and stronger than ever before. Last night while I was confronting myself her intent towards me was very shadowy and intimidating and she slipped away before I could confront her and then she hid and ignored me by being engrossed in something. This mother aspect was the imbalance I went through today and it feels so different now and you have hit it on the head. Thanks Ghengy. I knew what my mistake was (control) but I did not realise its source until you said so, cheers!